Saturday, January 22, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Chosen One. I have 11!
Today was a day of rememberance of my youth and the passing of a close cousin. I have spent most of the day trying to remember some of the fun things that we used to do as young cousins. There were about 15 of us that were just a few years apart on the Frehner side so we grew up together playing all the same types of games. We spent a lot of our time at the cabin, lake mead, the backyard basketball hoop and the tire swing. It was always a fight when we got together because it never failed that we would get into an argument about who Grandma Frehner loved the most. Every single one of us just KNEW that we were her favorite. Those were such safe and secure memories of my youth. I am saddened to say good-bye to my cousin Brent, still after all these years I still feel like he was one of my favorite childhood friends. I didn't get a chance to tell him how much our friendship meant to me and it will always be a special relationship to me.
It wasn't until my Grandma Frehner moved out of Mesquite and we were all helping her clean out her home when it came to my attention that I was never a favorite of hers. I was an adult by then but that was something that stung me to my very core. Not only was I told that I wasn't her favorite but that I also was one of the grandchildren that annoyed her the most. I have never been able to get over this, it still makes me embarrassed that I ever thought that I was really one of the favorite grandchildren.
It was only a few years after this that another devasting event occurred in my life. My Grandfather Leavitt was in the hospital with just having heart surgery and he was in the ICU unit. I left work early and found someone to watch my children. I wanted to be there close by his side. When I arrived, the rest of the family had already come and gone so I rang the bell and the voice from the nurses station came on over the intercom asking me who I was there to visit. I told her that I was the granddaughter of Grandpa Leavitt, I just came to check in on him. She told me that he was really weak because he had so many visitors earlier but he would relay the message that I was in the waiting room. As I sat in the small waiting room, I noticed through the mirror that allowed me to see the elevator from the waiting room that the elevator door opened and one of my cousins came in and repeated the same procedures as I had done just a few moments earlier. Again the nurse told my cousin to go wait in the waiting room with me and she would go and see who grandpa wanted to see. It was just a few minutes later and the nurse came out of the ICU and into the waiting room. She looked at my cousin and said, your grandfather would like to visit with you. The nurse apoligized to me and left me sitting in the room all alone. I couldn't bare it, I ran to the elevator and pushed the button repeatedly until the door opened. I could hardly keep my composure until the elevator doors closed, again I was not a "chosen" one.
There have been many other times in my life that I have not been the "chosen" one in the people that's meant the most to me. Even now in my later years. I recognize it now a lot more easily. I don't have high expectations from those around me that I love. I have nothing to give other than myself. I am not a rich woman, I am not wise, I am not filled with inspiration, most the time I'm grouchy.
However, I am now a grandmother. I WILL NEVER EVER pick one grandchild over another. I will never love them in pretense, I will love them because they are perfect to me. I will never choose whom I would rather see on my death bed, nor will I EVER tell any of them that any of the other grandchildren annoy me. It will come back to hurt later on in life. I will never pretend that any of them are my favorite.
I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH and SO EQUALLY!
I have 11 beautiful grandchildren that I adore! I would give my life for anyone of them. I ache when they are sick and in pain. My life choices have become choices that I hope will help them succeed in their lives. I may have failed at many things, but I refuse to fail at being a Grandmother!
It wasn't until my Grandma Frehner moved out of Mesquite and we were all helping her clean out her home when it came to my attention that I was never a favorite of hers. I was an adult by then but that was something that stung me to my very core. Not only was I told that I wasn't her favorite but that I also was one of the grandchildren that annoyed her the most. I have never been able to get over this, it still makes me embarrassed that I ever thought that I was really one of the favorite grandchildren.
It was only a few years after this that another devasting event occurred in my life. My Grandfather Leavitt was in the hospital with just having heart surgery and he was in the ICU unit. I left work early and found someone to watch my children. I wanted to be there close by his side. When I arrived, the rest of the family had already come and gone so I rang the bell and the voice from the nurses station came on over the intercom asking me who I was there to visit. I told her that I was the granddaughter of Grandpa Leavitt, I just came to check in on him. She told me that he was really weak because he had so many visitors earlier but he would relay the message that I was in the waiting room. As I sat in the small waiting room, I noticed through the mirror that allowed me to see the elevator from the waiting room that the elevator door opened and one of my cousins came in and repeated the same procedures as I had done just a few moments earlier. Again the nurse told my cousin to go wait in the waiting room with me and she would go and see who grandpa wanted to see. It was just a few minutes later and the nurse came out of the ICU and into the waiting room. She looked at my cousin and said, your grandfather would like to visit with you. The nurse apoligized to me and left me sitting in the room all alone. I couldn't bare it, I ran to the elevator and pushed the button repeatedly until the door opened. I could hardly keep my composure until the elevator doors closed, again I was not a "chosen" one.
There have been many other times in my life that I have not been the "chosen" one in the people that's meant the most to me. Even now in my later years. I recognize it now a lot more easily. I don't have high expectations from those around me that I love. I have nothing to give other than myself. I am not a rich woman, I am not wise, I am not filled with inspiration, most the time I'm grouchy.
However, I am now a grandmother. I WILL NEVER EVER pick one grandchild over another. I will never love them in pretense, I will love them because they are perfect to me. I will never choose whom I would rather see on my death bed, nor will I EVER tell any of them that any of the other grandchildren annoy me. It will come back to hurt later on in life. I will never pretend that any of them are my favorite.
I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH and SO EQUALLY!
I have 11 beautiful grandchildren that I adore! I would give my life for anyone of them. I ache when they are sick and in pain. My life choices have become choices that I hope will help them succeed in their lives. I may have failed at many things, but I refuse to fail at being a Grandmother!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Steroids, REALLY?
I realize my theme for this blog is "In All Things Give Thanks" but today I am really struggling with being thankful for STEROIDS! My doctor and I have this wonderful understanding, he doesn't mention the word predisone and I don't cry! He calls it the "S" word while he is consulting me and I remind him I will get the emergency pack refilled and keep it on hand BUT it wont be used unless I have to crawl to it on my hands and knees because my joints are so frozen that I have no other choice.
My dear doctor is very patient with me. He does however, roll his eyes at me often, like I don't see that... please I've taught 6th grade girls for 14 years. I can see eyes being rolled at me with my back turned away. Anyway, this past week as been one of those weeks where the doctor wins, I cry, predisone is prescribed, I cry, inflammation decreases, I can breathe, the pain subsides, the hunger begins, the food is inhaled, I step on the scale and I CRY!!!! 15 days on predisone= 15 pounds of steroid fat! It's not pretty! The face is swollen, my hair is falling out, no clothes fit AT all, I have nothing wear to go back to work and yes I cry!
I went to the bank yesterday morning early and decided I wanted to go to the store and pick me up a fountain drink. I walked out all by myself with a 64 ounce fountain drink (I've never gotten one that big ever), a large cup of hot chocolate with 3 creamers, and not just one donut three donuts. I couldn't believe I was climbing myself into my little car with all of this for just me!
Steroids are evil, I try to be thankful for all of the miraculous things that they have done for me this week but really? 3 donuts, hot chocolate and a 64 ounce fountain drink, really? I'm done!
I know I would like to breath and be able to walk across the room without passing out due to the lack of having adequate lung function. But I really really want my cute size 10 pants back! I want to wear my darling little carpi's with my adorable shoes.
I'm in a quandary?
I am still contemplating what exactly I'm thankful for today. Any suggestions? Seriously?
My dear doctor is very patient with me. He does however, roll his eyes at me often, like I don't see that... please I've taught 6th grade girls for 14 years. I can see eyes being rolled at me with my back turned away. Anyway, this past week as been one of those weeks where the doctor wins, I cry, predisone is prescribed, I cry, inflammation decreases, I can breathe, the pain subsides, the hunger begins, the food is inhaled, I step on the scale and I CRY!!!! 15 days on predisone= 15 pounds of steroid fat! It's not pretty! The face is swollen, my hair is falling out, no clothes fit AT all, I have nothing wear to go back to work and yes I cry!
I went to the bank yesterday morning early and decided I wanted to go to the store and pick me up a fountain drink. I walked out all by myself with a 64 ounce fountain drink (I've never gotten one that big ever), a large cup of hot chocolate with 3 creamers, and not just one donut three donuts. I couldn't believe I was climbing myself into my little car with all of this for just me!
Steroids are evil, I try to be thankful for all of the miraculous things that they have done for me this week but really? 3 donuts, hot chocolate and a 64 ounce fountain drink, really? I'm done!
I know I would like to breath and be able to walk across the room without passing out due to the lack of having adequate lung function. But I really really want my cute size 10 pants back! I want to wear my darling little carpi's with my adorable shoes.
I'm in a quandary?
I am still contemplating what exactly I'm thankful for today. Any suggestions? Seriously?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Paradox
I've never gone this long without taking down my Christmas tree. It is now the 4th of January, there are still Christmas ornaments on the table, Santa is still standing in the corner of the living room. Norman just put the tree back in the box and took it back downstairs, (Obviously it's not a live tree). It seemed as if it took forever for the holidays to arrive but then they are gone before I realize that the season has passed.
Again, this holiday brought about memories of Christmas' past. I recalled a Christmas when a tree went flying across the room and all children stood in amazement as we watched our mother laugh until she cried. Mom has a way with rearranging every piece of furniture around the room, standing back to view the arrangement then moving on to the next possible room set up. My mother would have dad move the furniture and the tree just a little to the right then back a little to the left until finally, this particular Christmas, he tossed the tree back to the starting place from the beginning of the night. Dad went and got his hammer and nails and nailed the tree to the floor, that was that! It looked really good that year, right back where we started. None of us children dared say anything otherwise, it became a Christmas to remember. I realize now as an adult that the memory is a fond memory because of the way my mother reacted to the situation. It was her laughter that had softened a tense moment with young eyes looking on. She knew that those memories are made by the actions of the parents, good or bad. Mom always made them good!
There were times as a child that I wondered why my mom would stand back and look at the living room from a distance. It seemed like she was always in deep thought, contemplating the answers to some of life's deepest questions. Then as life got more complicated for a growing girl, it became more like stepping out of hole and looking at the problem from a different perspective. I begun to get it! It was not that long ago that I saw this phenomena in still a different "ah ha" moment. The paradox!
Driving along the road between Mesquite and St George I got to thinking about how quickly the side of the road, things were speedily sweeping by me. I could hardly keep my eyes focused on the sage brush closest to the road side. I became dizzy trying to keep up with the fast pace of the passing scenery. As I glanced a little further away from the roadside bushes the scene started to slow down. I could keep my eyes on a focal point a little bit longer and the dizziness went away. I looked even farther out the window, perhaps several miles away, the scenery went by in slow motion. I could easily stay focused on one spot. It's a law in science that actually exists. This is called a paradox!
So it is for me in life, I seem to get caught up in the daily grind and forget to step back to look at the picture from a distance. I need that focal point for the stability of life and the lessons to be learned. I get it! I just want to share it with my family and friends. I recently received an email from a friend that has gone through a difficult few years. The pain is still evident and it seems as if this friend is still stuck in a hole swirling around, not able to step out from the past and live in the present. What a hard thing to do if you are the one swimming. It is easy for those on the outside to say it will get better in time but when it is you, it seems impossible to stay focused. However, that is the only way out of the endless misery of "why me" and "what ifs".
The Savior is our focal point, he is the only way to happiness. It is through Him and because of Him we have hope. To my friend, I've heard your testimony, I know you believe. Look up, away from the roadside and find a stable focal point, stay focused on the Savior. Happiness is promised to those that endure.
I have such wonderful friends in my life that have helped me stay focused.
I am truly blessed!
Again, this holiday brought about memories of Christmas' past. I recalled a Christmas when a tree went flying across the room and all children stood in amazement as we watched our mother laugh until she cried. Mom has a way with rearranging every piece of furniture around the room, standing back to view the arrangement then moving on to the next possible room set up. My mother would have dad move the furniture and the tree just a little to the right then back a little to the left until finally, this particular Christmas, he tossed the tree back to the starting place from the beginning of the night. Dad went and got his hammer and nails and nailed the tree to the floor, that was that! It looked really good that year, right back where we started. None of us children dared say anything otherwise, it became a Christmas to remember. I realize now as an adult that the memory is a fond memory because of the way my mother reacted to the situation. It was her laughter that had softened a tense moment with young eyes looking on. She knew that those memories are made by the actions of the parents, good or bad. Mom always made them good!
There were times as a child that I wondered why my mom would stand back and look at the living room from a distance. It seemed like she was always in deep thought, contemplating the answers to some of life's deepest questions. Then as life got more complicated for a growing girl, it became more like stepping out of hole and looking at the problem from a different perspective. I begun to get it! It was not that long ago that I saw this phenomena in still a different "ah ha" moment. The paradox!
Driving along the road between Mesquite and St George I got to thinking about how quickly the side of the road, things were speedily sweeping by me. I could hardly keep my eyes focused on the sage brush closest to the road side. I became dizzy trying to keep up with the fast pace of the passing scenery. As I glanced a little further away from the roadside bushes the scene started to slow down. I could keep my eyes on a focal point a little bit longer and the dizziness went away. I looked even farther out the window, perhaps several miles away, the scenery went by in slow motion. I could easily stay focused on one spot. It's a law in science that actually exists. This is called a paradox!
So it is for me in life, I seem to get caught up in the daily grind and forget to step back to look at the picture from a distance. I need that focal point for the stability of life and the lessons to be learned. I get it! I just want to share it with my family and friends. I recently received an email from a friend that has gone through a difficult few years. The pain is still evident and it seems as if this friend is still stuck in a hole swirling around, not able to step out from the past and live in the present. What a hard thing to do if you are the one swimming. It is easy for those on the outside to say it will get better in time but when it is you, it seems impossible to stay focused. However, that is the only way out of the endless misery of "why me" and "what ifs".
The Savior is our focal point, he is the only way to happiness. It is through Him and because of Him we have hope. To my friend, I've heard your testimony, I know you believe. Look up, away from the roadside and find a stable focal point, stay focused on the Savior. Happiness is promised to those that endure.
I have such wonderful friends in my life that have helped me stay focused.
I am truly blessed!
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