Today was a day of rememberance of my youth and the passing of a close cousin. I have spent most of the day trying to remember some of the fun things that we used to do as young cousins. There were about 15 of us that were just a few years apart on the Frehner side so we grew up together playing all the same types of games. We spent a lot of our time at the cabin, lake mead, the backyard basketball hoop and the tire swing. It was always a fight when we got together because it never failed that we would get into an argument about who Grandma Frehner loved the most. Every single one of us just KNEW that we were her favorite. Those were such safe and secure memories of my youth. I am saddened to say good-bye to my cousin Brent, still after all these years I still feel like he was one of my favorite childhood friends. I didn't get a chance to tell him how much our friendship meant to me and it will always be a special relationship to me.
It wasn't until my Grandma Frehner moved out of Mesquite and we were all helping her clean out her home when it came to my attention that I was never a favorite of hers. I was an adult by then but that was something that stung me to my very core. Not only was I told that I wasn't her favorite but that I also was one of the grandchildren that annoyed her the most. I have never been able to get over this, it still makes me embarrassed that I ever thought that I was really one of the favorite grandchildren.
It was only a few years after this that another devasting event occurred in my life. My Grandfather Leavitt was in the hospital with just having heart surgery and he was in the ICU unit. I left work early and found someone to watch my children. I wanted to be there close by his side. When I arrived, the rest of the family had already come and gone so I rang the bell and the voice from the nurses station came on over the intercom asking me who I was there to visit. I told her that I was the granddaughter of Grandpa Leavitt, I just came to check in on him. She told me that he was really weak because he had so many visitors earlier but he would relay the message that I was in the waiting room. As I sat in the small waiting room, I noticed through the mirror that allowed me to see the elevator from the waiting room that the elevator door opened and one of my cousins came in and repeated the same procedures as I had done just a few moments earlier. Again the nurse told my cousin to go wait in the waiting room with me and she would go and see who grandpa wanted to see. It was just a few minutes later and the nurse came out of the ICU and into the waiting room. She looked at my cousin and said, your grandfather would like to visit with you. The nurse apoligized to me and left me sitting in the room all alone. I couldn't bare it, I ran to the elevator and pushed the button repeatedly until the door opened. I could hardly keep my composure until the elevator doors closed, again I was not a "chosen" one.
There have been many other times in my life that I have not been the "chosen" one in the people that's meant the most to me. Even now in my later years. I recognize it now a lot more easily. I don't have high expectations from those around me that I love. I have nothing to give other than myself. I am not a rich woman, I am not wise, I am not filled with inspiration, most the time I'm grouchy.
However, I am now a grandmother. I WILL NEVER EVER pick one grandchild over another. I will never love them in pretense, I will love them because they are perfect to me. I will never choose whom I would rather see on my death bed, nor will I EVER tell any of them that any of the other grandchildren annoy me. It will come back to hurt later on in life. I will never pretend that any of them are my favorite.
I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH and SO EQUALLY!
I have 11 beautiful grandchildren that I adore! I would give my life for anyone of them. I ache when they are sick and in pain. My life choices have become choices that I hope will help them succeed in their lives. I may have failed at many things, but I refuse to fail at being a Grandmother!
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